Tag Archives: snark

Introducing: My Replacement.

Well, my replacement is here at work. She was to be hired for another job, but when I put in my notice they offered her mine instead yesterday. Apparently she has no brain, as she said yes. So she’s job shadowing me the rest of the week. Yesterday, we decided we couldn’t call her New Girl since New Girl will always be New Girl. I had no idea how we would figure out a nickname for her so quickly. But never fear. I’ve established one.

She seems timid. And a bit overwhelmed. But maybe she’s just harnessing all of her energy. Because out of nowhere she whips around in her chair, as I’m on the phone and looks at New Girl and says: Do you know that you walk by 8-7 serial killers in your lifetime?

New girl stammers out an “uhhh…” and my replacement excitedly finishes her statement with “I love serial killers. I’m basically obsessed with them.”

While I can understand the allure of reading and learning about humans who are different than us? I would not share this on my first day. Before lunch. I hadn’t even had time to eat my peanut butter and jelly before I started to worry about my co-worker’s lives.

Allow me to introduce: Nine…..Because she could very well be the #9 serial killer I passed in my life.

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Edit: My mother just asked me how things were going via text. When I explained how I am going to call her nine, she responded with: Is she sitting close to you. Don’t tell her where you live

Deuces!

So, this morning I resigned from my job. It went better than anticipated. I suppose it helps when it feels like your Bosshole, if able, would do backflips when you told him. Boss’ boss was sad and not at all mean, which helps, too. The best part of it all is the responses from the people around me. My day, at work, has been filled with fist bumps and high fives. People are happy for me. My friends and family are even better.

Here are a few responses from an email to a group of friends:

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And then there’s this one, from my group chat with SnarkSibling and SnarkyMom. I love that my mother had to tell me she and my dead father are proud of me. And that she had to use all caps to express her joy.
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And then we have jokes for days Jester, who thinks he’s hilarious. Okay, fine. He is.

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Fellow co-worker, affectionately (or actually annoyingly) called “work boyfriend” by fellow coworkers sent me this one:

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And then the ever present and wonderful Bestie. image

I have been sad to say goodbye to sharing an office with New Girl, Seamstress, and Blondie. They are the perk that makes coming to work enjoyable. But don’t worry, New Girl left me with another little nugget of wisdom.

NG: I’m sad to see you go.
Me: Me too!
NG: We will have to stay in touch.
Me: Definitely, I will miss–
NG: That way you can hire me at your new place if you really like it, because it sounds like my dream job.
Me: Right. Yes.

You know you’re making a good decision when your friends, family, and co-workers are happy for you. And when your Bosshole doesn’t even blink an eye when you tell him. He had silent joy though. Trust me. Heh.

Sounds Legit

I am cleaning off my work phone for the inevitable, gtfo moment that will transpire next week when I tell them I found another job.

I dumped all my pictures and found some great screenshot moments I had saved and forgotten. Here’s a gem from SnarkSibling.

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Apparently I never responded when my they said my mother called 911 for my father. But most importantly, the succession of texts together? Fantastic.

I’m dying, I need a slurpee. Stat.

Work Woahs.

I usually write about my work woes. But instead I will call this one a work woah. I am cleaning out my desk, as I’m the last person in my office tonight.

I took the other job offer. I will start on the 9th. So I am telling work on this coming Monday. That gives them a week notice. They usually escort you off the property immediately. So I feel like a week is good. And I feel like I’m as nervous as I was on my last first date. Maybe worse. I’ve been here 13 years. I’ve turned a bevy of milestones here. I turned 21, I got lower car insurance when I turned 25, I had to get insurance here for the first time and not be on my parents’ policies for health insurance, I turned 30 here. I lost my Dad (well we know where he is, but he died) while I was here. I graduated from college while I was here. I got  promoted here. I got my own first office here. I got my first company car here. I mean the firsts go on and on.

This means leaving here is a huge WOAH.

I’ve been waiting for something better. I’ve been preparing for this moment for at least 12 of the last 13 years. My new job is killer. I should be excited. Instead, I feel nauseous. I’m not prepared to be the outsider. I’ll miss some of the people here more than I should.

But mostly – I’m concerned that every day interactions with New Girl will now cease. And what will I write about?

Lord Help Us.

We have a trainer here at work. I’ve been looking forward to learning from him. Fast-forward to today. I am looking forward to him leaving.

Before he left our office a few minutes ago….

Trainer: Tomorrow we will role play.
Me: You didn’t even buy me dinner and  movie first.
New Girl: Heh. Heh. Role Play.

I’m afraid she’s going to show up in all leather tomorrow, guys.

Interpretation not to scale

It’s Not A Secret Any Longer….

Best thing to happen thus far today:

Blondie and I are working, Seamstress isn’t in yet for the day.
Bosshole has left for another location.
Suddenly we hear New Girl yell.

“Noooo. Guys. No!”

Blondie and I turn around quickly. I don’t know what we could have imagined was happening. Someone was breaking into our big glass window wall? Santa came early and she was on the naughty list? A typhoon was headed our way? Lightning was about to strike? A gaggle of midgets were headed at us with pitchforks and lanterns?

It was much less dramatic.

Me: What?!

New Girl: He blocked it!

Me: What?

New Girl: Victoria’s Secret. Bosshole blocked it.

I went over to her desk and looked. And yes. She’s correct. I also couldn’t stop laughing.

It may be Victoria’s Secret. But it isn’t New Girl’s anymore. He’s onto her.

Aquaman: All Washed Up.

So, the other day I was driving to work and discussing Aquaman with Jester. Over the weekend I had sent him the image of Aquaman released recently. For those of you who haven’t seen it:

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Needless to say – I am disappointed. As a long time nerd (yeah I know, you’re shocked. So is everyone else.) and avid comic and cartoon lover since I was a chil — What is this shit? He’s been the lukewarm superhero for years. The butt of all the jokes. You can’t take that from me. That’s my favorite part of him. This guy looks like a badass. And he’s attractive. Where do I file my letter of complaint? You can’t take my beloved joke and turn it into something good.

Luckily, for his own benefit, Jester agrees with me and knows that this is unacceptable. Which means when I got to work that day my phone started going crazy. I’ll transcribe here for you.

(Jester’s comments in italics. Mine in plain print. Please note: He was sending them so rapid fire that there wasn’t a chance for me to respond usually. I think he secretly had a stash of Aquaman pictures on his phone.)

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Representing the gay community in comics….the start of the ambiguously gay duo.

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Using his sonar to look for fish dicks.

HAHAHA. And THIS. THIS IS WHY THE NEW AQUAMAN CAN NOT BE A BADASS. This is my favorite part of him. 

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Don’t know if he’s planking (under the sea) or getting ready to double fist some mermaids.

You think he could get two mermaids at once? You’re getting a bit over zealous, aren’t you?

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This one is so you can use it as your desktop wallpaper.
 And no one said the mermaids were into it.
 I thinks he’s mad that they outed him for what he really uses his trident for.
Sit and spin?
Your comment was….
approved by aquaman

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Brokeback Sand Dune

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He’s got some bad ass dance moves tho.


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I love this one.

Batman had The Joker, Superman had Lex Luther, Aquaman had…
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…plastic six-pack rings.

I laughed as much putting this together as I did reading it the first time. I think Jester can stay. …so long as he doesn’t actually purchase me the Aquaman hoodie that he threatened to do so.

Next time anyone wants to Unite The Seven – it better be the seven jokes of Aquaman.

“BRB, Going to China.” – The Cat

I am lucky enough to have some great (and hilarious) people in my life. When situations arose that meant I needed to leave my house for awhile, I called my best friend. Who immediately came in and took care of my house and my animals. What can I say – I am a lucky (and snarky) girl. Things haven’t gotten exactly better, but they have become different. The end of the story is that I had to permanently relocate. El Dog and La Cat were still at the house with the best friend. Who was awesome enough he would take, honor, and cherish El Dog but he couldn’t take La Cat with him and I couldn’t rehome El Dog with me, since he basically tries to rip the throats out of the other animals at my home.

It’s a sad story, right? I know. But he loves my best friend. My best friend loves him. And it’s for the best. For everyone. Doesn’t mean I miss him less. Nor does it mean that Bestie (He’s going to love that that’s his nickname) doesn’t miss La Cat, either. He lived with her for years. And even though she’s terrible and mean and slightly disfigured (okay, she isn’t) we both love her. This means the last few weeks, as the animals get readjusted to their new digs that we have sent a lot of texts back and forth about them. Here is just a glimpse from last night.

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Jokes For Days.

Jester and Snark Sibling are lucky enough to be a part of a group message with me. Or unlucky. Either way, earlier this evening I accidentally sent a request for a picture of banana bread to SS that went to the group chat. SS inquired about the recipe this afternoon and I need a good picture for my food blog.

I may just use Jester’s pictures. Especially since he made a special batch of banana bread just for Snark Sibling who eats wheat free.

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He says he has jokes for days. I think they’re just day old jokes. Okay, fine. He’s funny.

We Broke New Girl.

See? We broke her.

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Earlier today, Seamstress stumbled along the article about the woman who made yogurt from her vagina. I have seen the headlines around social media, but felt no need to read them.

Seamstress realized what had been seen could not be unseen and started to tell us. She was grossing herself out, gagging as she read bits. I found it humorous, until I was under my desk unplugging something. Suddenly she said “she tasted it. Oh God, she tasted it.” Still laughing, I said “well how did it taste?”

I was kidding people. I did not anticipate she was going to respond with direct quotes that included words like “sour” or “tingly”, nor did I expect I would suddenly heave loudly.

I hear shuffling and a “why would she do that? Oh God, no. Make it stop.” And turned around to see New Girl hiding under her desk.

Someone stuck their head in our office a few minutes later, as I was wiping away the laughter tears to ask us if someone had thrown up in there.

Luckily I left early, which gave me time to send these texts as I sat at the bank.

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…..I wonder if she needs a marketing director.