Tag Archives: humor

Jokes For Days.

Jester and Snark Sibling are lucky enough to be a part of a group message with me. Or unlucky. Either way, earlier this evening I accidentally sent a request for a picture of banana bread to SS that went to the group chat. SS inquired about the recipe this afternoon and I need a good picture for my food blog.

I may just use Jester’s pictures. Especially since he made a special batch of banana bread just for Snark Sibling who eats wheat free.

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He says he has jokes for days. I think they’re just day old jokes. Okay, fine. He’s funny.

A G&T For Me….

This happened today in the land of the office.

New Girl comes into the office drinking a bottle of flavored carbonated water.

A few minutes later I hear this:

NG: Know what would be good with carbonated water?
Me: Hm?
NG: Gin
Me: Like a gin and tonic?
NG: No. Carbonated water and gin.
Me: That’s what a gin and tonic is…?

She made a brilliant discovery today, folks. Gin and tonic water would be great together.
I kid, she said she meant flavored carbonated water. But still….know what would be great with working with you, New Girl? A drink.

P.s. I do love her.

The title really made me think I should share with you an old Barenaked Ladies songs.
O Alcohol, would you please forgive me?
For while I cannot love myself
I’ll use something else

Getting Hired Tips – From New Girl

This is going to surprise you, but this actually makes sense. And it’s from New Girl.

She worked with an International Staffing place before she worked for us. So she has some good insight into interviews, and some good questions. Bosshole is looking to hire some people for other positions and she chimes in.

New Girl: You should ask someone what kitchen appliance they would be and why.
Bosshole: What? Why? No.
Me: CAN OPENER.
New Girl: Why?
Me: Because, they do something no other kitchen utensil can do. They make a hard job much easier.
New girl: Oh. Good one.
Seamstress: Microwave, so I can blow things up.
Me: This actually makes sense. I like this. I hate cliche interview questions, usually.
Seamstress: If someone answers something slutty, then you don’t hire them.
Me: What’s slutty in a kitchen?
New Girl: If someone says that they’re like a trash can, they’re full of shit. Get it?

can opener

Ah, New Girl. You were on such a roll.

So, my question to you is – what kitchen appliance would you be and why?

Just Kidding – Or Not

We had a benefits meeting today. You may know the one of which I speak. Where they call in the outside people to tell you how much your benefits package will now cost you. The one that may leave you saying: Uh, I can afford this insurance – but then I can’t afford to actually use said insurance.

I took a liter of my water in with me, signed the papers, came back to my desk and commiserated with my fellow co-workers. A few minutes later I went to take a sip of my water and realized I had left it inside the conference room during my meeting. Because it was basically hell and in hell people want ice water, right?

I walk back in, interrupting their bearing of bad news to the next group of us.

Me: Sorry, forgot my water.
Insurance lady #1: Oh! I was wondering whose that was.
Co-worker: It’s always Snark’s, she’s always drinking.
Me: Hashtag truth. *picks up water*
Head Insurance Lady: Oh! Staying hydrated. Good for you! That’s important for good health. And insurance claims!
Me: Uh, it’s just to counteract the vodka.
*opens conference room door*
Me: Or is this vodka? Hmmm?

Vodka would be the only thing that could legitimately counteract the amount of misery that hearing how much you’re paying for insurance brings.

Fifty Shades of Hate

Okay, as someone who writes (for fun, not profit … yet) – I call 50 Shades “The Book That Shaln’t Be Named.” Many writers hate it, and others think that those writers should stop sounding jealous. Either way, it’s a bit of a travesty to have a relationship that seems abusive be glorified. But who am I to judge?

…wait, that’s what I do here.

50-shades-of-grey-funny-pictures

I’ll save you all the gory details about how I know it’s not a healthy BDSM relationship and just say it isn’t a healthy relationship, period. But I can’t judge it as I haven’t read it all. I like to think that anything that gets people reading is good. Right? *Deep breath* Right.

The overload of marketing has really killed me though. I don’t want to see Anna ask if what’s behind the door to his Playground¬†is a Playstation again. I also can’t stand hearing people talk about how sexy Christian is, anymore.

As someone who is not much older than him – I’d like to know where I find a late-twenties mega-millionaire that knows how to fly a helicopter. I am a lot of fun and I have never met these types of men. And if I did? I wouldn’t imagine he had a gaggle of submissive women that follow him about. And if he did? I would probably wonder how a twenty-something dominant convinced this many women that he was to be trusted and wonder also where he learned to fly a go-go-gadget-copter.

I digress. I just wanted to point out that the only thing I think that could make men dislike 50 Shades even further was releasing it on Valentine’s Day weekend. Not only have you put a man who can’t be measured up to (in wealth, knowledge, or douchiness) into their wives/girlfriends/gaggle of submissives heads – but you’ve also ensured that they have to watch these terrible written characters on the big screen for Valentine’s Day. Or they’re going to be the worst boyfriend/husband/controlling Dom in the world.

Maybe I’m looking at this all wrong, though. Maybe all the men are going to get major action and so the women and then men will be happy.

Well played, Christian Grey. Well played.

…is his name spelled with an e or an a? I’d hate to be punished for misspelling it.

Texts From Today

I used to work with my friend. She wasn’t my friend until she worked there. Then we realized we were both snarky bitches and couldn’t live without each other. She had a party scheduled for Sunday but apparently had to cancel them, according to our lively chat this afternoon.

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She’s not so much a super secret agent as she is a postal employee. But you have to use what pull you have, right? She’s all I got.