Tag Archives: fail

Jokes For Days.

Jester and Snark Sibling are lucky enough to be a part of a group message with me. Or unlucky. Either way, earlier this evening I accidentally sent a request for a picture of banana bread to SS that went to the group chat. SS inquired about the recipe this afternoon and I need a good picture for my food blog.

I may just use Jester’s pictures. Especially since he made a special batch of banana bread just for Snark Sibling who eats wheat free.

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He says he has jokes for days. I think they’re just day old jokes. Okay, fine. He’s funny.

Fifty Shades of Hate

Okay, as someone who writes (for fun, not profit … yet) – I call 50 Shades “The Book That Shaln’t Be Named.” Many writers hate it, and others think that those writers should stop sounding jealous. Either way, it’s a bit of a travesty to have a relationship that seems abusive be glorified. But who am I to judge?

…wait, that’s what I do here.

50-shades-of-grey-funny-pictures

I’ll save you all the gory details about how I know it’s not a healthy BDSM relationship and just say it isn’t a healthy relationship, period. But I can’t judge it as I haven’t read it all. I like to think that anything that gets people reading is good. Right? *Deep breath* Right.

The overload of marketing has really killed me though. I don’t want to see Anna ask if what’s behind the door to his Playground is a Playstation again. I also can’t stand hearing people talk about how sexy Christian is, anymore.

As someone who is not much older than him – I’d like to know where I find a late-twenties mega-millionaire that knows how to fly a helicopter. I am a lot of fun and I have never met these types of men. And if I did? I wouldn’t imagine he had a gaggle of submissive women that follow him about. And if he did? I would probably wonder how a twenty-something dominant convinced this many women that he was to be trusted and wonder also where he learned to fly a go-go-gadget-copter.

I digress. I just wanted to point out that the only thing I think that could make men dislike 50 Shades even further was releasing it on Valentine’s Day weekend. Not only have you put a man who can’t be measured up to (in wealth, knowledge, or douchiness) into their wives/girlfriends/gaggle of submissives heads – but you’ve also ensured that they have to watch these terrible written characters on the big screen for Valentine’s Day. Or they’re going to be the worst boyfriend/husband/controlling Dom in the world.

Maybe I’m looking at this all wrong, though. Maybe all the men are going to get major action and so the women and then men will be happy.

Well played, Christian Grey. Well played.

…is his name spelled with an e or an a? I’d hate to be punished for misspelling it.

What’s In A Name?

Working in the land of the Interwebs and dealing with clients and social media forums I get to see a lot of interesting names. Not to mention spellings. Today may just take the cake, however. I received an inquiry from someone with the first name: Shaton.

Yes. Shat. On. Now, try to call them back and don’t laugh. Go on. I’ll wait here for you to do so.

I bet the kid felt shat on every single first day of school for their entire life. “Shat-on? Is there a Shat-on?”

What a shitty name. Literally.

Now, That’s a Mom I Need To Meet…

Sometimes Moms are the worst. Sorry, friends. But it’s true. Sometimes mothers are too much for me to handle. We’ve been through this before, right? Where I think some moms feel like their children are as special as a freshly fallen snowflake? Well, you’ve been warned if you didn’t know. I am informing you now. I don’t like some parents. Sorry, not sorry.

This mom gets it though. It seems that Tiffany Beveridge didn’t know if she wanted another child or not. So she made one. Like ya do. Or not. Instead of making one with her genitals (was that too crass?) she made one on Pinterest. Imaginary Quinoa. Who has friends with names like Chevron, Hashtag, Hawkeye, and Hewn. She dubbed the beginning of it, on Pinterest: My Imaginary Well-Dressed Toddler Daughter. Imaginary Quinoa is just a compilation of overly dressed up toddlers and their friends. It pokes fun at the parents who try too hard, dress their children too cool, make up their own names. (I’m looking at you Kanye. You know you’re supposed to be a role model.)

She even tackles some of the bigger issues. You know, like how flower girls and ring bearers shouldn’t be stifled with gender stereotypes. Or, in her (better) words:
quinoa

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Quinoa specifically requested that she and Chayote be referred to as the “Floral Dissemination Specialist” and “Symbolic Ornament Conveyor” on the wedding program instead of using archaic labels that force children into gender stereotypes. #MIWDTD#HOWTOQUINOA

This is a mom I need to have a beer with. If I can pull her away from her two sons. Who don’t appear to be fabulously dressed. I like to imagine they’re wearing Batman and Robin capes. And that’s way cooler to me than anything Quinoa and Chevron are doing today. Let’s not get confused though, I still want to read about Quinoa’s adventures. Who wouldn’t? Tiffany is hilarious. 

Getting real tired of your shit, Autocorrect.

In the span of two days my autocorrect has made affordable and adorable interchangeable more than once.

“You look afforable.”
“That baby actually looks affordable.”

I never lie if a baby is ugly (and they aren’t all beautiful snowflakes, trust me) so I’m pretty sure it’s more believable that I said to one friend that our other friend’s baby looks affordable instead of adorable. I never even corrected myself. And they didn’t question it.

….I’m not sure what that says about me.
Or my friend.

I have, however, decided that adorable should be stricken from my vocabulary. I will start using aesthetically pleasing instead.

Today, you look aesthetically pleasing.

#Foodforthought

Seamstress sent me a picture of a tub of ice cream last night with the caption #dinner.

When we got into work today she said she ate it while watching the Miss Universe pageant. I had no idea it was even on. Sadly, because I’m sure I could have used a good laugh or two.

Luckily, best coworker ever, Seamstress came in with the save and pulled up the YouTube of their questions and answers.

Some notable favorites include Miss Ukraine answering the “should we get rid of the bikini portion and why or why not?”

Short answer from the lovely contestant: if it’s going to be nice, let’s have it. I’m comfortable wearing anything.

When the next round of questions included “what does your country contribute to the world?” I was certain she’d respond with “Girls who wear bikinis.” But she let me down and reminded me of the suffering in her country lately. Dangit.

Jamaica came in with an outstanding “We gave you Bob Marley, man.” answer,  though, totally making up for Ukraine disappointing me.

I believe it was the beautiful Netherlands that said she was an ambassador for child prostitution.

Seamstress: Time out. Did she just say she was an ambassador FOR prostitution?

We ended all the laughfest moments with this moment of clarity from Seamstress. “I feel terrible about myself, eating a bucket of ice cream while watching these gorgeous women. And then I heard them answer questions and suddenly I felt much better about myself.” #foodforthought

Surprise!

I stop for a coffee or a Diet Coke on my way to work a few times a week. Okay, almost every day. Alright, fine, I try to not go every day. But it’s hard.

I pay attention to people around me. My parents drilled “be aware of your surroundings” into my head from a small age. Dad would quiz me about what people were wearing when we got home. I’m sure it started as a way to keep me safe and keen to what was going on around me. I doubt they minded, though, when they realized I people watch and snark out loud about them. As an adult, I’ve been told to stop numerous times by my parents. Not because it’s wrong as much as they don’t want to get caught laughing.

Point is: I pay attention at the gas station. And every single day someone gets to the front of the line and can’t find their money. Or they take forever to pull out their wallet.

….are these people genuinely surprised they have to pay? Do they think that you get to the front of the line and expect balloons to fall amongst the confetti raining from the ceiling?

I genuinely have no grasp on this one. And it happens. Every. Single. Day. At least once. “Wait, what? I have to pay for my sunflower seeds and Monster Energy drink? Well, I have never!”

Signed,
The girl with two dollars in her hands this morning. One for the coffee and one for the Diet Coke.

Yeah, that’s right. I got one of each today. And I still had my payment ready.

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Oh look. Here come the balloons. And right after I paid. Crap.

The Children Are Geniuses. The Parents Are Aholes.

I shouldn’t have channel flipped this evening. Because I just ran across the Lifetime series “Child Genius”, unfortunately.

The information bar says it’s the second episode and I didn’t catch it from the beginning. But it appears to be a competition between little baby genius children.

I just watched a mother lament her child’s tie for second in the first round. His parents are saddened he, at 9 years of age, chose to go camping instead of studying for the next round.

Well, I’m disappointed you made the face like you sucked a sour lemon through a straw when your child answered one question wrong – and still advanced to the next round – lady.

I watched his mother then say “today you were not number one” as he learned he was moving on.

Then a set of parents whose child scored a perfect in the round praised him and smiled. While the other set of parents whose child scored the same proceeded to point out that they were not going to compare the two since clearly their child was superior.

There should be a social worker on staff. Or someone with a dart gun that can shoot these parents with a tranquilizer when they start talking ridiculous. That’d make for a great show. Two sets of parents sitting awake, clapping for all the participants, while all other 13 sets of moms and dads are passed out.

If you’ll excuse me now, it seems Dance Moms comes on after Child Genius and I can’t handle another crazy group of moms, so I have to go set fire to my television.

Fashion Ambulance Needed

I’m watching the “new” Fashion Police. First, don’t judge me. Second, I miss Joan.

Julianna just said “This wasn’t enough, because we know what she’s capable of.”

We do know we are talking about a dress someone wore and not their actual work ethic, or curing cancer…right?

Also – where the hell is George? New Token Gay Guy is wearing a suit jacket that looks like it has decoupage butterflies on it. I can’t take fashion advice from that.

First world problems. Seriously. But get these police an ambulance. Because this is a rubber neck accident.