Tag Archives: boss

Ole!

My boss is amazing. This is not to be confused with old “bosshole” new one is outstanding. I suppose that’s why there are no posts lately. My new job is unicorns and rainbows most days.

This week, my boss was discussing an issue with a fellow co-worker and told me to take off  my employee hat and put on my friend hat so she could speak freely.

Unfortunately for her, she was ill-prepared for me to pretend to take off a fedora and put on a sombrero.

Poor boss. She has no idea what she got herself into when she hired me a few months ago.

It’s Not A Secret Any Longer….

Best thing to happen thus far today:

Blondie and I are working, Seamstress isn’t in yet for the day.
Bosshole has left for another location.
Suddenly we hear New Girl yell.

“Noooo. Guys. No!”

Blondie and I turn around quickly. I don’t know what we could have imagined was happening. Someone was breaking into our big glass window wall? Santa came early and she was on the naughty list? A typhoon was headed our way? Lightning was about to strike? A gaggle of midgets were headed at us with pitchforks and lanterns?

It was much less dramatic.

Me: What?!

New Girl: He blocked it!

Me: What?

New Girl: Victoria’s Secret. Bosshole blocked it.

I went over to her desk and looked. And yes. She’s correct. I also couldn’t stop laughing.

It may be Victoria’s Secret. But it isn’t New Girl’s anymore. He’s onto her.

Safety First

New Girl went to pick up pizza for the office today. While she’s out I receive a text message that can only be explained as half a selfie with two pizza boxes in the passenger seat and the caption: chillin’ with bae.

It was immediately followed up by this one:

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That was funny enough, until she got back and explained she legit buckled them up because she was holding them and didn’t want them to slide off the seat and she thought this would be safest.

She’s going to continue to fit in here nicely, I believe.

And I’m not just saying that because she sent this about Bosshole while I was typing this with the caption: when he talks to me.

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In Recent Developments

New Girl asked Seamstress and I for our numbers so she could text us yesterday.

Today NG had terrible computer issues. It was an ancient loud laptop they tried to give her.

She left and Seamstress and I get a group text. We are pretty sure that a.) she was texting and driving and b.) she wasn’t aware we had such ammo waiting.

Here’s just a glimpse of our daily thoughts.

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Autocorrect Is A Ducking Butch Sometimes

Autocorrect has failed me a few times today. The first is when I texted an off site manager for another location asking him a question and then inquiring about his hours. Or his hoes. Either way.

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Editor’s note: I used to work on site with this one. My mother once pointed out how he thinks he is God’s gift to women. The name Lance Romance started then (she started it) and has stuck ever since.

The next is when Bosshole did another interview  (oh yeah, Stretch is no longer with us) and Seamstress texted me to do a walk by.

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We shall simply refer to her as Unknown still. But if she gets hired she may transition into Butch. Thanks, Autocorrect.

Can’t Make This Stuff Up.

Our department has recently expanded. And by expanded, I mean doubled. I am used to working with all men. They moved me to another location and shoved me into an office with two other women (Blondie and Seamstress). I was growing accustomed to having women around, and not totally hating it. Okay, so I really like them. So sue me. Then we moved in New Girl (NG) and that’s been okay for the last week. She can stay, I suppose. She’s entertaining and I’m sure once they figure out what her job is she will be doing more than just playing Tetris and Super Mario Bros…seriously, that’s what she’s been doing. I’m not even mad at her – I’m just jealous.

Last week they informed us that they would be bringing in another new girl. We’ll call her Stretch for now. And that there will be one more woman over the course of the next few weeks, too. The office is simply too small for this. NG, Stretch, and Unknown will be working a different job but under the same department umbrella. There’s not enough room for 6 women to be speaking to clients on the phone and Bosshole to be not working in the corner. Seriously, his not working is the loudest of all the noises.

It went a little like this.

Bosshole: Stretch will be starting on Monday.

Snark: Where the hell are you going to put her?

Bosshole: Get used to it. There’s another one coming, too.

Snark: Seriously. There’s not enough space for new people.

Bosshole: Too bad, so sad.

Snark: If you’re going to work in a office of all women, building yourself a harem, you’re going to need to learn to listen to feelings and thoughts. It’s a thing.

Bosshole: I just hope you don’t all sync up at once.

NG: O.o (she’s been here for maybe 4 days at this point)

Snark: You had better be talking about an iPod, because that’s the only syncing you’re allowed to discuss here.

Bosshole:  You know what I mean. That will be too much for me to handle.

Snark: You can’t say. Seriously, you can’t say things like that. You seriously can’t say that.

I just kept repeating myself over and over. Mainly because I was floored that he had said it. But also because…well…YOU CAN’T SAY THAT KIND OF STUFF.

Seamstress was on the phone, hangs up and whips around in her chair asking me what he said.

Snark: He asked if we needed help dialing the number for HR, basically.

I think it’s amusing that Bosshole thinks we’re suddenly like Captain Planet.

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Only instead of rings, we are just going to sync up some menses.

Seriously – keep this in mind, Bosshole. And tread carefully.

Captain Planet (1)

The power is ours. Once we figure out how to use our menstrual cycles like decoder rings – you’re going to be in big trouble. All I know is I want to be the one with the power of fire. So I could set things ablaze with my eyes.

……..like people who discuss periods at work.

I Haven’t Even Had Coffee

It wasn’t even 8:10 and these gems had escaped my co-worker’s mouth.

NG: I love grout!

Bosshole: Want to go check some out with me?

NG: Yes! I LOVE GROUT.

While they were gone Blondie sniffs her jacket slightly and says, “I’m sorry, I think my jacket smells like weed.”

TGIF, suckas.

WAIT.
Fresh off the presses as I typed this

NG: Hey, Bosshole – do you come in on weekends?

She’s so cute. Can we keep her? Can we? Can we?

Same Bat Time, Same Bat Station….

In a not at all unexpected turn of events, we learn today at work that our bosshole has completely lied to New Girl (Hereon referred to as NG*. She has joined the ranks of Snark*, Seamstress*, and Blondie* in our office. Poor girl.)

A few of the great lies include:

1.) I know what I’m talking about.

2.) I will train you.

3.) I do all the things that Snark actually does.

Yeah. Not at all unexpected. Yet still, I am shocked.

NG has said the following gems:

1.) Do you think he would poop his pants if we told his bosshole how little he knows?

2.) Hey Seamstress, he stares at your butt every time you walk by.

3.) Does Bosshole know he’s creepy? Or no?

4.) I angle my computer so I can’t see his face. Is that wrong?

I do believe this could be the beginning of a beautiful work relationship, NG. Welcome to the club. We meet at the bar after work and basically do the same thing we do at work: answer emails and complain about bosshole.

*These are not our real names. I could have said I changed our names to protect the innocent. But we’re not really all that innocent. 

I Can Hear You.

My boss’ office is down the hall. My boss’ boss’ office is right across the hall. Yeah, my life is terrible. But that’s not the point of this post.

The point is that I have ears like a hawk. Too bad I don’t also have razor sharp talons. Or this place would need a clean up in aisle 4.

We just overheard them discussing our entire department. But this is all we heard.

“Not Snark, Not Blondie, Not Seamstress.”*

The only thing I can figure is they said the following options:

  • Who gets appreciation for their work?
  • Who is getting a raise?
  • Who makes the most money around here?
  • Who is a happy worker bee?

*Names changed to protect the innocent. In case you really thought my co-workers’ names were Blondie and Seamstress.