Tag Archives: blogging

Ole!

My boss is amazing. This is not to be confused with old “bosshole” new one is outstanding. I suppose that’s why there are no posts lately. My new job is unicorns and rainbows most days.

This week, my boss was discussing an issue with a fellow co-worker and told me to take off  my employee hat and put on my friend hat so she could speak freely.

Unfortunately for her, she was ill-prepared for me to pretend to take off a fedora and put on a sombrero.

Poor boss. She has no idea what she got herself into when she hired me a few months ago.

Ahem. I have SRS.

I do have a serious question. Because I am clearly educated and intelligent. But I still can’t figure out stats pages here. Okay, I get the basics. I’m not a dolt (not to be confused with adult, because I am an adult, I’m not a dolt).

But when it says “search terms” I need clarification.

First – why are there so many unknown search terms.

Second – when a search term shows up there, where did they search from?

As an example I offer you that one that shows up from yesterday is:

  • ok, fine. i’ll build a damn snowman.

Which, to be fair – I can totally l see how that would correlate to my Fine, Anna, I’ll Build a Snowman post from awhile ago. But I am also 100% sure that if you Google “ok, fine. i’ll build a damn snowman.” that my post is not showing up. But I also do not see a way that one could search that on WordPress.

So. Yes. Someone, enlighten me please.

Jokes For Days.

Jester and Snark Sibling are lucky enough to be a part of a group message with me. Or unlucky. Either way, earlier this evening I accidentally sent a request for a picture of banana bread to SS that went to the group chat. SS inquired about the recipe this afternoon and I need a good picture for my food blog.

I may just use Jester’s pictures. Especially since he made a special batch of banana bread just for Snark Sibling who eats wheat free.

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He says he has jokes for days. I think they’re just day old jokes. Okay, fine. He’s funny.

Fifty Shades of Hate

Okay, as someone who writes (for fun, not profit … yet) – I call 50 Shades “The Book That Shaln’t Be Named.” Many writers hate it, and others think that those writers should stop sounding jealous. Either way, it’s a bit of a travesty to have a relationship that seems abusive be glorified. But who am I to judge?

…wait, that’s what I do here.

50-shades-of-grey-funny-pictures

I’ll save you all the gory details about how I know it’s not a healthy BDSM relationship and just say it isn’t a healthy relationship, period. But I can’t judge it as I haven’t read it all. I like to think that anything that gets people reading is good. Right? *Deep breath* Right.

The overload of marketing has really killed me though. I don’t want to see Anna ask if what’s behind the door to his Playground is a Playstation again. I also can’t stand hearing people talk about how sexy Christian is, anymore.

As someone who is not much older than him – I’d like to know where I find a late-twenties mega-millionaire that knows how to fly a helicopter. I am a lot of fun and I have never met these types of men. And if I did? I wouldn’t imagine he had a gaggle of submissive women that follow him about. And if he did? I would probably wonder how a twenty-something dominant convinced this many women that he was to be trusted and wonder also where he learned to fly a go-go-gadget-copter.

I digress. I just wanted to point out that the only thing I think that could make men dislike 50 Shades even further was releasing it on Valentine’s Day weekend. Not only have you put a man who can’t be measured up to (in wealth, knowledge, or douchiness) into their wives/girlfriends/gaggle of submissives heads – but you’ve also ensured that they have to watch these terrible written characters on the big screen for Valentine’s Day. Or they’re going to be the worst boyfriend/husband/controlling Dom in the world.

Maybe I’m looking at this all wrong, though. Maybe all the men are going to get major action and so the women and then men will be happy.

Well played, Christian Grey. Well played.

…is his name spelled with an e or an a? I’d hate to be punished for misspelling it.

Secret Blogging About SnarkyMom.

Since my father passed away I haven’t been to my own house in a long time. I have been hanging out with my mom and sometimes my recently married SnarkSibling. They’re more entertaining than any other reality tv show I have seen.

At dinner at our favorite Mexican place last night, this all happened.

Me: On my secret blog….
SnarkyMom: Secret? You have a secret blog?
Me: Yes. They love New Girl stories.
SM: Does New Girl know about you blogging about her?
Me: Yes.
SM: Then it isn’t very “secret” now is it?
Me: It’s secret from my work people/real life people, Mom.
SM: You’re never going to get a new job.
Me: That’s why it’s secret, lady.
SnarkSibling: They’re hilarious, actually. New Girl is comedic gold. So are you, you’re on there a lot.
SM: Does New Girl know you talk about how “funny” she is?
Me: You mean like when she doesn’t know DiCaprio from DaVinci? Yes.
SS: Did she watch the Superbowl?
Me: No, she said she watched a documentary on Auschwitz. It was strange, I was talking about dancing beach balls on Monday and NG was talking about Auschwitz.
SS: Ostriches? She was watching a documentary on ostriches?
Me: Uh. No. Auschwitz.
SM: (looks up from dinner plate) Why is she watching a documentary on ostriches? Was it ostrich racing?
Me: Auschwitz. Where they killed Jews? Concentration Camp. You know, the thing you guys are lacking – concentration?
SM: Oh. Still. Rude you blog about her without her consent.
Me: She knows. And you’re making it on later today. Both of you with your ostrich documentaries.
SM: What did I tell you about tweetering about me? You’re not too old to ground.
Me: I’m an adult. I have my own house.
SM: I’m still your mom.
SS: Do you think they have ostrich racing documentaries?
Me: This is probably how the Jews got into this mess. A conversation gone wrong over a plate of tacos. Seriously, people.
SM: That was very ignorant.
Me: To talk about Jews?
SM: No, you’re eating a pork taco. They don’t eat pork tacos.

At this point? I’m going to run away from home and start training to be an ostrich jockey.

Now, That’s a Mom I Need To Meet…

Sometimes Moms are the worst. Sorry, friends. But it’s true. Sometimes mothers are too much for me to handle. We’ve been through this before, right? Where I think some moms feel like their children are as special as a freshly fallen snowflake? Well, you’ve been warned if you didn’t know. I am informing you now. I don’t like some parents. Sorry, not sorry.

This mom gets it though. It seems that Tiffany Beveridge didn’t know if she wanted another child or not. So she made one. Like ya do. Or not. Instead of making one with her genitals (was that too crass?) she made one on Pinterest. Imaginary Quinoa. Who has friends with names like Chevron, Hashtag, Hawkeye, and Hewn. She dubbed the beginning of it, on Pinterest: My Imaginary Well-Dressed Toddler Daughter. Imaginary Quinoa is just a compilation of overly dressed up toddlers and their friends. It pokes fun at the parents who try too hard, dress their children too cool, make up their own names. (I’m looking at you Kanye. You know you’re supposed to be a role model.)

She even tackles some of the bigger issues. You know, like how flower girls and ring bearers shouldn’t be stifled with gender stereotypes. Or, in her (better) words:
quinoa

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Quinoa specifically requested that she and Chayote be referred to as the “Floral Dissemination Specialist” and “Symbolic Ornament Conveyor” on the wedding program instead of using archaic labels that force children into gender stereotypes. #MIWDTD#HOWTOQUINOA

This is a mom I need to have a beer with. If I can pull her away from her two sons. Who don’t appear to be fabulously dressed. I like to imagine they’re wearing Batman and Robin capes. And that’s way cooler to me than anything Quinoa and Chevron are doing today. Let’s not get confused though, I still want to read about Quinoa’s adventures. Who wouldn’t? Tiffany is hilarious. 

How to Know You’re Kind of a Big Deal.

You know you’re doing well when people find your blog from search engines, right? Right.

Today I noticed this new blog had search engine hits.

Let’s explore that further. What could have led someone here?

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First, I still have no idea.
Second, glad I’m not the only one wondering.
Third, I’m not sure what this means in regards to my blog content.
Fourth, I’m ashamed.

Excuse me while I go puff my chest. And it’s okay if you’re jealous. It’s your right to be hellish.

Who To Follow?

That’s a legitimate question. I know I don’t have many followers (yet, of course heh) – but I imagine you all have some good ideas on who to follow, yes? Please feel free to share them with me. I don’t have many people active on my Reader dashboard. And that’s sad. I want to not only snark my way through a few blog posts, but also read some good stuff. Those of you I do follow already? I’m loving it. Keep it up.

My main question is:

How does WordPress know what kind of blogger I am? I keep getting suggestions from them on the left side of my Reader screen. It says: Bloggers Like You Follow. But the options are philosophical blogs. Does WordPress not know me well enough, yet? Or has my office been moved to a mountain top and I’m just here to dole out advice?

True story: I wanted to make Philosphy my third major in college. My father said “Do you ever want a job? Do you think someone is going to come down from the mountaintop and offer you a job sitting there?”

Yes. Yes I do. And my moment has arrived. And with Google? I bet this philosophy gig has gotten even easier.

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Now, get to climbing, people. I have advice to give out.