Twitter just asked me to follow succulent housemeat. …can I file a sexual harassment suit – or no?
I learned two important lessons today: my phone only keeps 20 messages in a group (which means I can’t screen shot this one for you) and that #9 seems to be keeping true to her roots of “wtf” at my old job.
Here’s a rundown of what I saw in my phone on my break at new job.
Seamstress: #9 said if she eats Taco Bell she will be in the bathroom for days.
Me: She’s an oversharer. First day on the job; I love serial killers. First day at new desk; Taco Bell makes me run for the border – of the bathroom.
Seamstress: and she says “this shit is cray cray.”
New Girl: And her friend who just got hired here and #9 say “love you!!!” when they see each other.
Me: Like at the office? In public?
Seamstress: Yes. …and yes.
Good to know nothing has changed in the 24 work hours since I left.
Today is my last day in the office. I start my new gig on Monday. Bosshole waved as he walked out yesterday – goodbye or good luck. Not even a bat of the eye, honestly. There wasn’t much fanfare for someone who worked with me for 13 years. But as a bonus, he did forget something at work and texted me to please bring it to him after my shift ended.
Spoiler alert: I didn’t.
But on to bigger news. I am on my way to being an adult, leaving my job of 13 years and starting a new one.
Know how I know? I just cleaned all my juiceboxes out of the work fridge and shoved them in my bag. Adulthood, here I come.
…but I can bring a juicebox, right?
Well, my replacement is here at work. She was to be hired for another job, but when I put in my notice they offered her mine instead yesterday. Apparently she has no brain, as she said yes. So she’s job shadowing me the rest of the week. Yesterday, we decided we couldn’t call her New Girl since New Girl will always be New Girl. I had no idea how we would figure out a nickname for her so quickly. But never fear. I’ve established one.
She seems timid. And a bit overwhelmed. But maybe she’s just harnessing all of her energy. Because out of nowhere she whips around in her chair, as I’m on the phone and looks at New Girl and says: Do you know that you walk by 8-7 serial killers in your lifetime?
New girl stammers out an “uhhh…” and my replacement excitedly finishes her statement with “I love serial killers. I’m basically obsessed with them.”
While I can understand the allure of reading and learning about humans who are different than us? I would not share this on my first day. Before lunch. I hadn’t even had time to eat my peanut butter and jelly before I started to worry about my co-worker’s lives.
Allow me to introduce: Nine…..Because she could very well be the #9 serial killer I passed in my life.
Edit: My mother just asked me how things were going via text. When I explained how I am going to call her nine, she responded with: Is she sitting close to you. Don’t tell her where you live
So, this morning I resigned from my job. It went better than anticipated. I suppose it helps when it feels like your Bosshole, if able, would do backflips when you told him. Boss’ boss was sad and not at all mean, which helps, too. The best part of it all is the responses from the people around me. My day, at work, has been filled with fist bumps and high fives. People are happy for me. My friends and family are even better.
Here are a few responses from an email to a group of friends:
And then there’s this one, from my group chat with SnarkSibling and SnarkyMom. I love that my mother had to tell me she and my dead father are proud of me. And that she had to use all caps to express her joy.
And then we have jokes for days Jester, who thinks he’s hilarious. Okay, fine. He is.
Fellow co-worker, affectionately (or actually annoyingly) called “work boyfriend” by fellow coworkers sent me this one:
I have been sad to say goodbye to sharing an office with New Girl, Seamstress, and Blondie. They are the perk that makes coming to work enjoyable. But don’t worry, New Girl left me with another little nugget of wisdom.
NG: I’m sad to see you go.
Me: Me too!
NG: We will have to stay in touch.
Me: Definitely, I will miss–
NG: That way you can hire me at your new place if you really like it, because it sounds like my dream job.
Me: Right. Yes.
You know you’re making a good decision when your friends, family, and co-workers are happy for you. And when your Bosshole doesn’t even blink an eye when you tell him. He had silent joy though. Trust me. Heh.
I am cleaning off my work phone for the inevitable, gtfo moment that will transpire next week when I tell them I found another job.
I dumped all my pictures and found some great screenshot moments I had saved and forgotten. Here’s a gem from SnarkSibling.
Apparently I never responded when my they said my mother called 911 for my father. But most importantly, the succession of texts together? Fantastic.
I’m dying, I need a slurpee. Stat.
I usually write about my work woes. But instead I will call this one a work woah. I am cleaning out my desk, as I’m the last person in my office tonight.
I took the other job offer. I will start on the 9th. So I am telling work on this coming Monday. That gives them a week notice. They usually escort you off the property immediately. So I feel like a week is good. And I feel like I’m as nervous as I was on my last first date. Maybe worse. I’ve been here 13 years. I’ve turned a bevy of milestones here. I turned 21, I got lower car insurance when I turned 25, I had to get insurance here for the first time and not be on my parents’ policies for health insurance, I turned 30 here. I lost my Dad (well we know where he is, but he died) while I was here. I graduated from college while I was here. I got promoted here. I got my own first office here. I got my first company car here. I mean the firsts go on and on.
This means leaving here is a huge WOAH.
I’ve been waiting for something better. I’ve been preparing for this moment for at least 12 of the last 13 years. My new job is killer. I should be excited. Instead, I feel nauseous. I’m not prepared to be the outsider. I’ll miss some of the people here more than I should.
But mostly – I’m concerned that every day interactions with New Girl will now cease. And what will I write about?
We have a trainer here at work. I’ve been looking forward to learning from him. Fast-forward to today. I am looking forward to him leaving.
Before he left our office a few minutes ago….
Trainer: Tomorrow we will role play.
Me: You didn’t even buy me dinner and movie first.
New Girl: Heh. Heh. Role Play.
I’m afraid she’s going to show up in all leather tomorrow, guys.
Best thing to happen thus far today:
Blondie and I are working, Seamstress isn’t in yet for the day.
Bosshole has left for another location.
Suddenly we hear New Girl yell.
“Noooo. Guys. No!”
Blondie and I turn around quickly. I don’t know what we could have imagined was happening. Someone was breaking into our big glass window wall? Santa came early and she was on the naughty list? A typhoon was headed our way? Lightning was about to strike? A gaggle of midgets were headed at us with pitchforks and lanterns?
It was much less dramatic.
New Girl: He blocked it!
New Girl: Victoria’s Secret. Bosshole blocked it.
I went over to her desk and looked. And yes. She’s correct. I also couldn’t stop laughing.
It may be Victoria’s Secret. But it isn’t New Girl’s anymore. He’s onto her.
So, the other day I was driving to work and discussing Aquaman with Jester. Over the weekend I had sent him the image of Aquaman released recently. For those of you who haven’t seen it:
Needless to say – I am disappointed. As a long time nerd (yeah I know, you’re shocked. So is everyone else.) and avid comic and cartoon lover since I was a chil — What is this shit? He’s been the lukewarm superhero for years. The butt of all the jokes. You can’t take that from me. That’s my favorite part of him. This guy looks like a badass. And he’s attractive. Where do I file my letter of complaint? You can’t take my beloved joke and turn it into something good.
Luckily, for his own benefit, Jester agrees with me and knows that this is unacceptable. Which means when I got to work that day my phone started going crazy. I’ll transcribe here for you.
(Jester’s comments in italics. Mine in plain print. Please note: He was sending them so rapid fire that there wasn’t a chance for me to respond usually. I think he secretly had a stash of Aquaman pictures on his phone.)
Using his sonar to look for fish dicks.
HAHAHA. And THIS. THIS IS WHY THE NEW AQUAMAN CAN NOT BE A BADASS. This is my favorite part of him.
You think he could get two mermaids at once? You’re getting a bit over zealous, aren’t you?
I laughed as much putting this together as I did reading it the first time. I think Jester can stay. …so long as he doesn’t actually purchase me the Aquaman hoodie that he threatened to do so.
Next time anyone wants to Unite The Seven – it better be the seven jokes of Aquaman.