She can’t with me. 

I haven’t shared much since my old job. Which is a real travesty, since I have so many good stories lined up. (Don’t worry, screenshots are coming your way.)

Let’s just jump in real quick with a good share from today. I share my (tiny-used-to-be-a-storage-closet) office with two girls. This afternoon, between meetings I ran into the one we shall call Chiquita. She’s a nurse. 

So, Chiquita goes into a patient’s room with a giant needled shot. As she’s leaving I can hear her calling out, nicely: happy birthday. 

She sits down in our office. I turn towards her and say, inquisitively, “Did you just tell that patient happy birthday after giving her a shot?”

“While giving the shot. I said happy birthday!”

“Is it really her birthday?” I ask, stupidly. 

“Of course.”

As if Chiquita would never randomly say something weird. I am so dumb. Clearly. 

“And you shot her in the butt? On her birthday?” Why do I ask these things?

“I did.” 

“Usually when it’s your birthday, you usually get to DO the shooting in the butt. At least that’s what tv has taught me.”

She said she “can’t, with me.” And faced her computer screen with such conviction. As if she hadn’t thought of that herself. Or maybe she can’t (stop laughing) with me. (Because I’m so hilarious.) 


Best Friend Boundaries – What Even Is That?

Poor Bestie. This one happened this week. Autocorrect? Or maybe just me skipping words. Who knows. Either way.

text ps3

He’s lucky. Being my best friend comes with the perk of saying: what the actual fuck is she saying? at least once a day. If not more.

And now I can make “poop” an official tag on my blog. Great My parents – they’re so proud.


My boss is amazing. This is not to be confused with old “bosshole” new one is outstanding. I suppose that’s why there are no posts lately. My new job is unicorns and rainbows most days.

This week, my boss was discussing an issue with a fellow co-worker and told me to take off  my employee hat and put on my friend hat so she could speak freely.

Unfortunately for her, she was ill-prepared for me to pretend to take off a fedora and put on a sombrero.

Poor boss. She has no idea what she got herself into when she hired me a few months ago.


I’m at a funeral. I see this book.


I was hoping I’d open it up and see blank pages or “mommy drinks a lot more” as an answer.

#disappointment as it’s just a book that really tries to explain death and funerals to children in a responsible and on-their-level way.

I still stand by my belief that they should make a smart ass one for people like me.

Please provide your best snarky answer to this book’s question to appease me.

Update: we just left. I am banned from funeral homes according to Bestie* and Alice* due to my spotting the “Losing Your Mom” pamphlet as we exited and loudly exclaiming “what, like at the mall?”

*names changed to protect the not so innocent as they also laughed.