She can’t with me.

I haven’t shared much since my old job. Which is a real travesty, since I have so many good stories lined up. (Don’t worry, screenshots are coming your way.)

Let’s just jump in real quick with a good share from today. I share my (tiny-used-to-be-a-storage-closet) office with two girls. This afternoon, between meetings I ran into the one we shall call Chiquita. She’s a nurse. 

So, Chiquita goes into a patient’s room with a giant needled shot. As she’s leaving I can hear her calling out, nicely: happy birthday. 

She sits down in our office. I turn towards her and say, inquisitively, “Did you just tell that patient happy birthday after giving her a shot?”

“While giving the shot. I said happy birthday!”

“Is it really her birthday?” I ask, stupidly. 

“Of course.”

As if Chiquita would never randomly say something weird. I am so dumb. Clearly. 

“And you shot her in the butt? On her birthday?” Why do I ask these things?

“I did.” 

“Usually when it’s your birthday, you usually get to DO the shooting in the butt. At least that’s what tv has taught me.”

She said she “can’t, with me.” And faced her computer screen with such conviction. As if she hadn’t thought of that herself. Or maybe she can’t (stop laughing) with me. (Because I’m so hilarious.) 

True Friendship

Previously mentioned Work BF has really been on point lately. Here’s just a glimpse of the demented things that prove we shall be friends forever. And some bonus memes that speak to our friendship. 

Now, onto the show. 

Best Friend Boundaries – What Even Is That?

Poor Bestie. This one happened this week. Autocorrect? Or maybe just me skipping words. Who knows. Either way.

He’s lucky. Being my best friend comes with the perk of saying: what the actual fuck is she saying? at least once a day. If not more.

And now I can make “poop” an official tag on my blog. Great My parents – they’re so proud.

Middle School: It’s Not For Everyone.

I was working an event at a middle school awhile ago and ended up having to text Bestie about how marvelous that day turned out for me.

Middle school wasn’t terrible – when I was IN middle school. Now it’s just pure agony.

I’ll Huff and I’ll Puff

I’m going through my work phone, clearing off old pictures and finding some amazing screenshots that I forgot all about. Here’s one from about 5 months ago that made me laugh again. How in the hell can Foxy still like me? At least I threw in a real “concern” about her plight at the end?

Ole!

My boss is amazing. This is not to be confused with old “bosshole” new one is outstanding. I suppose that’s why there are no posts lately. My new job is unicorns and rainbows most days.

This week, my boss was discussing an issue with a fellow co-worker and told me to take off  my employee hat and put on my friend hat so she could speak freely.

Unfortunately for her, she was ill-prepared for me to pretend to take off a fedora and put on a sombrero.

Poor boss. She has no idea what she got herself into when she hired me a few months ago.

Disappointment

I’m at a funeral. I see this book.

I was hoping I’d open it up and see blank pages or “mommy drinks a lot more” as an answer.

#disappointment as it’s just a book that really tries to explain death and funerals to children in a responsible and on-their-level way.

I still stand by my belief that they should make a smart ass one for people like me.

Please provide your best snarky answer to this book’s question to appease me.

Update: we just left. I am banned from funeral homes according to Bestie* and Alice* due to my spotting the “Losing Your Mom” pamphlet as we exited and loudly exclaiming “what, like at the mall?”

*names changed to protect the not so innocent as they also laughed.

Fixed It!

I saw this on Twitter, this evening:

So sweet, right? And rubbish. Because,  at my ripe old age, with my busy schedule? I dream of this, instead:

But, as all girls do – I also dream bigger than just that. I long for even more.

Sounds like a good Sunday to me.

I was going to send this and then thought….it’s okay to dream. But you also have to be realistic. Life isn’t always a fairy tale. So I made it more true to life. And, I have to say, I think I nailed it.

Yeah. That’s a good summary. But I still think the sleeping in that late part is a bit far fetched. It’s worse than a Sandra Bullock romcom. Sounds great, but never gonna happen.

I’ll Take An Ariana Frap and a Shaq Latte

Co-worker (herein referred to as Foxy) text me to say she’d be at my site shortly and would I and/or BossLady like something from Starbucks.

I usually say no. Today, not so much. Instead, this happened.

When she dropped it off she said, “When I ordered it that way, there was dead silence on the other end of the intercom. And then so much laughter.”

You’re welcome, world. I showed up today.

Shark Tank Look Out

This isn’t a surprise to those who know me, but my phone is too full of pictures. I had to delete over 1500 last night to finally get the latest upgrade.

As I slowly go through them, I find some great screenshot pics. I imagine I started saving them to share with all you, but my new job is so amazing I forget to be snarky here.

This one is when Bestie was at his parents’ house and texted me about his father. I know the rest of the conversation was probably amazing. But I didn’t save that. ….of course